V-Day Special: Totally! Unqualified! Advice! Column! 2021!

Lion Staff

Is it wrong to force your vegetarian girlfriend to eat McNuggets???

We asked students to send us their questions about romance, dating, and relationships. We dug deep into our complete lack of professional expertise. And now we offer our advice, which, like a plastic loaf of bread in a bakery window, might resemble the real thing, but will offer no real value.

What are some things I should do in preparation for the SAT?

Start by taking a practice test and recognizing everything you don’t know. Then consider spending Valentine’s Day on a date instead of pathetically studying for a test. Then ask yourself why you are inquiring about SAT prep for a Valentine’s Day advice column.

How do I tell him to stop stopping time and moving french guys with tall hair down stairs without them realizing it?

Great question! I’ve been in this situation a few times myself, so I’ve learned a few things that might just help you out. Of course, I’d love to know who He is, as context might greatly change the scenario, but for the sake of time we’ll treat him as either a boyfriend or God. If he is a boyfriend, I’d tell him gently, so as not to start an argument. Begin by explaining how it makes mortals feel when he stops time and moves them without their permission--anxious? Unmoored? Insane? Further that point by bringing up how much more serious this becomes when it involves a tall-haired French guy; the French are notoriously temperamental, so disrupting their understanding of reality by moving them down stairs without them realizing it without any lapse of time can create some messy reactions. Perhaps introduce a second argument as to why he might consider stopping stopping time and navigating through this timeless interval to meddle in human affairs by dragging your relationship into the conversation; how will you know when to celebrate your 6 months if he keeps disrupting the space-time continuum, for example? Or, does it make you question his loyalty to see him meddling in others’ lives? After you’ve given him reason to empathize, gently suggest he stop doing as much. Hopefully, your plea will reach him and he’ll stop using his supernatural talents to disrupt the fabric of reality and prioritize building your relationship instead. If he is not your boyfriend but God, or simultaneously your boyfriend and God, use the same rhetorical skills outlined above to craft your request but deliver it in the form of bedtime prayer.

How can we make long distance feel less lonely when we go to college?

Aw. Long distance relationships are not easy, and unfortunately, there aren’t many ways around that. However, I think now more than ever, we’re used to distance. This year has taught us all lessons on the value of physical connection, yet we’ve also learned that we can maintain relationships digitally. Sometimes, even when you can’t hold their hand or smell their sweatshirt, just the sound of their voice or seeing their face through the screen can be enough. Now, since we’re used to being online all the time, maintaining a long-distance relationship digitally might not seem as difficult or extraneous a step as it might've been before. As you said, though, this might get lonely. To carry on that physical presence in each other's lives, it might be nice to send gifts, letters, or your sweatshirt or something. Exchange recommendations, send them a CD, watch a movie on Netflix Party together--find creative ways to still have shared experiences. Maybe even craft online dates, and get cute with it. Venmo them money to Postmates chinese food while you do the same, tell them to get dressed up, then call each other over your shared meal. Look up somewhere pretty in their town, and create a date they can take themselves on. It might sound weird, but I think it can be what you make it. There are definitely ways to maintain relationships long distance while still managing to make each other happy and remain part of each other’s everyday lives, so don’t get discouraged. Plus, distance makes the heart grow fonder. 

Do I wait for someone to come to me?

Alright. Here’s the piece of advice that I’ve learned from high school. Probably my most used and most shared philosophy. Just go for it. I promise. The worst that can happen is that they say no and then you move on. It will relieve so much anxiety, and a fair amount of time it will turn out they feel the same way you do. Now, I’m not saying to scare the other person off and text them every second. No…. find a balance. Have a friend you can tell all the drama to as well as your decisions (whether it’s before or after you make them); it will help you to decipher what you should say next. Sometimes, it’s good to sit back. Don’t be putting in ALL of the work, but don’t be afraid to reach out. Time in high school is short, so why not be bold. It’s something that one of my best friends taught me. Send the text. I promise. The adrenaline rush is fun too...even if it doesn’t end well. It gets easier to be bold the more you do it, too. It’ll give you closure if it doesn’t end well and a happy ending if it does. You can at least say you tried, which is better than wondering “what if?” Looking back, I wish I had made the first move in certain situations instead of just sitting back and hoping it would happen. Please take my word for it. You’ll regret more not doing something than doing something...and that goes for any situation. 

Tips on getting over an ex who cheated on me? I hate them now but I still miss the person I thought they were.

First of all, you need to separate your past from your fantasy of the past. Maybe this person cared for you, but they clearly didn’t care for you enough to justify you holding onto anything you thought you shared. The worst thing you can do is cling onto something that was never really there. Unfaithfulness is inevitably painful, but you can save yourself from some of this pain going forward by not letting yourself think about the highlights of your relationship. Instead, remind yourself of the heartbreak this person caused and the fact that you deserve more than a relationship that hurt you. This way, you can–to the best of your abilities–leave your past relationship behind and focus on future relationships. 

What to do when they hate your music taste?

I think that you should give their music a try. According to the Greater Good Magazine, singing music together can bring people together through the release of endorphins. Listen to their favorite song over and over again until you know the lyrics and it starts to get catchy. Even if you start to get sick of it, it will be much more enjoyable if you are singing along with the other person. If you really can’t stand their music either, approach them kindly and ask them to listen to YOUR playlist. You never know, they could end up loving it. In my opinion, it’s worth a try. Of course, if they truly “hate” your music taste, make sure there are some things about you that they don’t “hate.” If the list goes on too long, y’all might want to find other people.  

Is it wrong to force your vegetarian girlfriend to eat McNuggets???

Considering the three question marks above I will assume this is an urgent inquiry and give you a short and concise answer so that you don’t end up on the evening news. Yes, it’s wrong. 

Why? Well typically, if someone is vegetarian, they are choosing to be vegetarian and making a conscious decision to stay away from foods like McNuggets. So forcing them to eat something they clearly do not want to eat would not be a great thing. The word “force” generally doesn’t have a positive connotation to it, unless we’re talking about the Star Wars kind, and even then people are often falling to the Dark side. Furthermore, if you’re trying to encourage your girlfriend to eat meat, perhaps something called a “McNugget” is not the best place to start. And then there’s always the Golden (arches?) rule. Would you want your girlfriend to force you to eat a veggie burger? Tofu nuggets? Would you want your girlfriend to force you NOT to eat McNuggets? In fact, if you do decide to go through with your act of McNugget aggression, you may face this Tantalus-like punishment: to forever be reaching for a McDonald’s Chicken McNugget, and just when you’re about to grab one, your girlfriend’s hand comes swooping down to knock it away….

How is that?

It just is.
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