If you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed in the midst of your college search, maybe it’s time to figure out your college priorities by relying on the ancient science of horoscopes (and the teenage girl who wrote this article). Look for your zodiac below in order to find out what aspect of the college experience will be most important to you in deciding what school is your true soulmate. Note: none of these actually have to do with the education you seek.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Tennis anyone? That’s a question you should have asked yourself at age three. If your answer then was “yes,” you may be on track to a full-ride tennis scholarship at an exclusive university. If your answer then was “no” (you were more interested in watching a purple dinosaur sing), then you should probably change your zodiac sign...it’s too late to be Serena Williams at this point. Instead, you need to pick your college based on what sport you like to watch. You’ve already lost out on a career as a pro-athlete. At least going to a college with strong athletics can ensure you’ll be part of one winning team, watching from the stands.
Taurus (April 22-May 20)
Tired of cafeteria food? Well, guess what you’ll probably get in college...cafeteria food. Unless, of course, you manage to break free by finding one of those rare colleges that lets you use your meal card at the local Chick-Fil-A. Chicken minis for breakfast, chicken nuggets for lunch, chicken sandwich for dinner. At some point, you will miss cafeteria food. Regardless of what you actually end up eating, you’ll need to do a little research in order to figure out what colleges are the best for foodies like you.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You are all about a good party. So when you’re narrowing down your list of colleges, make sure to figure out the party scene of your top picks. Consider consulting the Princeton Review’s annual listing of top party schools. You don’t want to be stuck dancing with yourself in a dorm full of studious kids trying to shush you because they consulted the American Library Association’s annual listing of top college libraries.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
If you’re having some trouble deciding between some great options, consider the school mascots. I mean, do you really like bulldogs? Or if you’re tired of mainstream mascots, you might attend Delta State University (The Fighting Okra), UC Santa Cruz (The Banana Slug), or Stanford University (The Tree).
Leo (July 23-August 22)
When it comes to college, you want a name-brand. For you, college isn’t just about receiving an education; it’s also about gaining the ability to rub your eliteness in other people’s average-to-below-average faces for the rest of your life. Look for colleges with low acceptance rates and high prestige, and hope that you’ll be just snobby enough to make the cut.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
One factor you will not want to overlook in your college search is the marriageability of your university’s student body. College is the perfect opportunity to find your future spouse. As a virgo myself, I know I will be optimizing my four years by considering what universities have the most elite potential husbands and the least romantic competition. I’m aiming to achieve both a B.A. and an M.R.S. degree.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Before you get too attached to any colleges, make sure to Google Earth their campuses. See which ones match your aesthetic. We all have a type...yours might be sleek modern or vintage chic. It might be a little superficial, but it’s all about what college attracts you (at least you’re not choosing a school based on the mascots...see “Leo” above).
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
One aspect of the college experience that will be important to you is finding a school with great club and extra-curricular activities. Meeting other students with the same passions will help you make the most of your four years on campus and develop your interest in underwater basket weaving, square dancing, etc.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
What will matter most to you in your college search is location, location, location. You’ll have to consider whether you want to take a plane, train, and bus ride to reach a college in rural America or stick with a place within ten miles of a Target.
Capricorn (December 22-January 18)
As soon as you get your acceptance letters, you will be studying the financial packets of your potential colleges. Why spend sixty-thousand dollars on one college when you can go to a less expensive college and spend the extra money on diamond-encrusted binders? You just need to think practically.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
When you’re looking at colleges, you’ll have to check to see if they allow Greek life. What would your college experience be if you weren’t the member of an exclusive club teeming with fellowship and drama? It may be the closest experience you ever have to living in the Bachelor mansion.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
For you, college is all about the vibe you sense when you step on campus. Do the students seem friendly or slightly vicious? Do the professors seem helpful or like they started teaching for the sole purpose of ruining your life? These are the questions you’ll have to ask yourself, and maybe even your tour guide, on your college visits. Just remember that if you don’t fall in love on your first tour, you don’t have to settle. Your dream college is out there somewhere. You just have to find it.